


Dragon Age (Season 2)

by Nudeviking



Series: Dragon Age [2]
Category: Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-12 07:45:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5658256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nudeviking/pseuds/Nudeviking
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Odette Corvette & Friends continue to chopfuck the shit out of darkspawns and learn about life and love.  If you like lesbian heroes and big ass swords then maybe you will like this shit mang, but if you like severe haircuts and wizard shit? Maybe you'll hate this shit.  If you like cool-ass dogs named Doug, then you're shit out of luck because he doesn't show up in this one.  Sorry mang.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dragon Age - S02E01 - Awakening?

"I'd never thought when I decided to become a Grey Warden that one of the first things I'd have to do would be to escort the Lady Commander to Fort Grey Warden."  
  
Odette's guide, a young woman named Mary wore a funny helmet and would not be quiet.  She kept going on and on about honor and duty and Grey Wardens. She was like Brodude at his worst...though maybe that was being a tad hard on the girl...unlike Brodude she hadn't screamed at Odette or questioned the decisions she'd made. Suddenly a guardsman came running out of Fort Grey Warden screaming, "OH GOD IT'S THE DARKSPAWN WE'RE ALL DOOMED!!!"  
  
Odette drew her BIGASS SWORD™ and cut down the two not-goblins that had been chasing the guardsman with one mighty blow. "Oh thank you milady!" the guardsman muttered, "They came so suddenly...I don't know how none of the Wardens noticed before they arrived."  
  
"How many wardens are left in the fort?" Odette asked.  
  
"I don't know milady...there were some when I left, but I'm not sure how many still live."  
  
"Alright get outta here...go get help if you can," Odette said and then turned to Mary, "You ready to see what being a Grey Warden's all about?"  
  
Mary nodded enthusiastically and she and Odette rushed into the fortress. Darkspawns were chopped to bits quite expertly, bringing a smile to Odette's face. How long had it been since the Battle of Denerim? Arms and legs and other parts flew as she chopped the shit out of some not-orcs in the courtyard. She suddenly heard the sounds of flames and darkspawns screaming. She knew those sounds. Those were the sounds of a mage magicking it up. Following the sounds of Fire1 and Lit1 she soon found a mage standing amidst a pile of slain templars and a couple dead darkspawns.  
  
"I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can't prove anything," the mage said, "Though I can't say I'm overly sad they're dead."  
  
"It's an apostate!" Mary said in a most disgruntled manner.  
  
"Yes...I am an 'apostate,' the mage said doing finger quotes in the air as he rolled his eyes and said "apostate," before adding, "My friends call me Andrew."  
  
"Hail and well met Andrew," Odette said. She liked his look. He had a single earring and a cool guy ponytail and looked like a "cool high school teacher" from the 90s. She bet he taught English and sat on his desk while teaching and had his students call him Andy instead of Mister Snufflegarp or whatever his surname was, "We're fighting darkspawns and your help would be most appreciated. Say what sort of mage are you Black Mage? White Mage? Red Mage?"  
  
"Well I got mad heals."  
  
"Cool...that's the best kind. C'mon we got darkspawns to wreck house on!"  
  
Andrew joined the two warrior ladies and they continued to wreck house on darkspawns. Suddenly there was an explosion and Odette watched a random dwarf who looked like he hung out at OTB and stunk of cigarettes blow up some darkspawn and then grab his nutsack and bellow "C'mon you sons of a whore, suck on deez nutz!!" before running off.  
  
"That was weird..." Odette said, "We don't have time for that shit c'mon!"  
  
Instead the fortress proper Odette encountered a sight she'd never thought she'd ever see. There, in the middle of a library was Occam the dwarf. He was axe-fucking the darkspawns into submission with his SWEETASS GIANT AXE®. "I know that guy!" Odette shouted, "Let's help him kill not-orcs!"  
  
She, Mary, and Andrew threw themselves into battle. The battle was a kick ass jam session, about 7 not-goblins were at the show. Occam really whupped an emissary's ass with a belt. The crowd roared like a lion. Occam was super pumped up to see Odette and told her that he'd decided to become a Grey Warden. Mary and Andrew did not care to hear this. Mary was clearly disgusted, while Andrew just made jokes at Occam's expense. Odette told them both to stuff it since Occam was a pretty good dude...probably the best non-dog warrior that had been in her party prior to her becoming a Lady Commander.  
  
With Occam in tow they headed deeper into the fortress, looking for more survivors. They found one, a knight of the code from Denerim that Mary knew. He was in a bad way. Andrew was like, "Guys I can't do shit for him with my magics." The knight of the code was doing movie dying coughing and was like, "There was a darkspawn that could talk...he was stealing Grey Wardens," and then he died.  
  
"Sorry your friend died Mary," Odette said, "Let's go get some revenge."  
  
"Okay," Mary replied.  
  
The ran up to the roof where they found a talking darkspawn. He was dressed like a knight of the code and talked like an idiot. He attacked Odette and her friends, but with two giant weapon wielders, a sword and shield knight, and a wizard doing wizard shit, that talking darkspawn didn't stand a chance. He got totally wrecked. As he died some random dude showed up and was like, "Yo good job Commander, hey look a crew of dudes is riding this way...let's go see who it is. I hope they are better than these goddamn darkspawns."  
  
It was better, but only slightly...it was King Brodude making a cameo appearance and being like, "Woah you've got your work cut out for you...I bet right about now you wish you weren't a lesbian and married me instead. You could be back in Denerim playing chess or whatever the shit it is Queens do. But whateves."  
  
"Yeah it's cool...queenhood is not really my jam."  
  
"I know."  
  
Some random horrible woman in Templar gear accompanying Brodude suddenly pointed at Andrew and was suddenly like, "I know that guy! He's a criminal! An apostate!! We gotta bring him in!"  
  
Andrew was like, "You'll never be able to take me in. I'll just escape again and again anyway."  
  
Odette, not wanting to lose her cool high school English teacher who could also heal, was like, "Ummm...I'm conscripting him into the Grey Wardens."  
  
Brodude nodded and said, "As is your right as a Warden. So be it. Well you've got some work to do and I've gotta get back to Denerim to wear gold armor and give out high fives. I'll catch you later...maybe at the end of the game or something...who knows."  
  
Odette did not bring up how angry Brodude had gotten when she'd tried to punish Logain Pissdrinker by making him a Grey Warden since she needed Andrew, ponytail, single earring and all. That random guy was suddenly like, "Oh yeah I never told you who I am. I'm the senechal. You've got a lot of shit to do, but I think I should tell you that you are the last Grey Warden right now."  
  
"Oh man that sucks...let's Grey Warden these three up right quick."  
  
"Word! To the joining."  
  
The joining went pretty well. Occam was like, "This the biggest goblet you got? He he...weak." Andrew was like, "If I wake up in a week on a boat bound from Fantasy Country in my jockstrap with a shitty face tattoo I'm blaming you," and then got knocked the fuck out by the goblet, but was alive.  
  
"Shit," Odette thought to herself, "Is he another Brodude? Always with a quick quip that's never as funny as he thinks it is? I though he was just a teacher who was like, 'Alright guys have a good weekend...if any of you are going to the Pearl Jam show I might see ya there.'"  
  
As she was lost in her thoughts Mary drank from the goblet and died. "Sorry Commander," Sean Chal said. Two outta three ain't bad..."  
  
"No it ain't. No it ain't."


	2. Dragon Age - S02E02 - Howe Can I Help You?

"Nice skirt twinkle-fingers!" Occam guffawed.

"You know what Occam, I think I liked you better when you could only speak dwarven," Odette said. Roughly five minutes had passed and it had been a near constant flow of shitty "you're gay huhhuhhuh," "jokes" from the drunk dwarf. She wished Leliana or Sideboob were still around...god she'd even take Brodude at this point.

"Excuse me Lady Commander," a nervous looking rookie interjected, "They wanted me to tell you that they'd caught a prowler before you arrived...he wasn't any ordinary prowler milady...took four Grey Wardens to bring him in. Lord Sean Chal wanted to wait until you arrived to do anything with him. He's down in the dungeons. I've also got some letters for you."

Odette was quickly beginning to regret taking this Lord Commander position, particularly since Leliana had been summoned away by the Mother Superior of the Chantry for something. She thanked the nervous rookie and headed down into the dungeons. There was a pale man with stringy hair in the cell. He looked like an out of shape Glen Danzig. "That's the prisoner?" Odette asked in disbelief, "The one who took out four Wardens?"

"That 'e is sir," the guard said, oblivious to Odette's bosoms or anything else that clearly identified her as a woman.

"Give me a moment alone with him," Odette said.

"Right away sir..."

"So here you are. I thought the Hero of Feldspar was 10 feet tall with X-Men powers. Frankly I'm a tad disappointed that the murderer of my father is ordinary."

"Dude, do I know you? I killed a lot of dudes during the war, so you're going to need to be a little more specific."

"My name is Nate Howe and Carl Howe was my father."

"Oh shit...no way. Look man, you're dad was a total cockmonger who killed my entire family and stole our lands to say nothing of the other shit he got into once he was in power. He had it coming."

"But your family was going to betray the king! My father did what was best for the kingdom."

"Whatever dude. Why are you here?"

"My family used to live here remember? Before you stole our lands from us. The Howes are outcasts now. We have nothing. I had just come back from abroad and heard the news and came here to try and collect some of my family's belongs...and possibly kill you."

"You're really not helping yourself here. You should have stopped after 'I came to collect some of my family heirlooms.' Doesn't matter anyway, I've decided your fate."

"Already?"

"Yup. Yo Sean, let Mister Howe out of his cell and give him back his belongings."

"Really?! I don't think that's a good idea."

"They're his things and he had nothing to do with his father's machinations. At the very worst he was trespassing here, but even that's kind of sketchy since he was apparently out of the country at the time his family lost the land and thus had no idea it wasn't even his property anymore until he got here, so let him go."

"As you wish Commander. Anyway your vassals are arriving so you might want to come holler at them before you set off on any adventures. They're assembling in the throne room."

Odette nodded and headed up to the throne room. A bunch of nobles swore fealty to her, but she wasn't buying it from all of them. She'd undoubtedly ruined a lot of their shit when she killed Carl Howe and took over his lands so she wasn't too surprised when some random blonde lady was like, "Yo, some of these nobles want you dead. I can get proof for you."

Odette agreed but was like, "I got the goddamn Antivan Crows in my pocket now and the goddamn former king of Feldspar with all his resources couldn't kill me.  I'm not too scared.  You do remember that I killed a goddamn archdemon right?"

The blonde lady merely nodded, "I meant no offense milady.  Please excuse me for bothering you, I am certain you are quite a busy woman."  She then curtsied and shuffled off.

Odette shrugged and headed off to press the flesh with some other guests.  She spoke with an old black man who had been her dad's friend. He was the Lord of All Farmers. His farms needed troops to protect them. Odette was like, "Yo sure guy...I'll help you out," when suddenly a miserable looking crone was like, "Is this old black man already asking for help with his farms? The cities need protection! If the farms fall it will take like 2 hours to rebuild them. This city took centuries to build!"

"Whatever lady...the city has walls and also doesn't grow food, so if the farms fall it won't matter how many soldiers I send, because we'll all starve to death anyway."

The miserable lady huffed and puffed with impotent rage and walked away. Odette had had about enough partying with nobles and was like, "EVERYBODY OUT!" and the nobles all fucked off. With the nobles dispatched, some sort of Captain of the Guards was like, "Yo, some hunters found an entrance to the Deeproads nearby. Might want to check it out."

"Sounds good," Odette said and then summoned her mens. As they made their way out of Fort Awesome, they were approached by an unsavory looking character with greasy hair and bad skin. It was Nate Howe. "Sup, I want to know why you let me out," he demanded.

"I felt sorry for you. You hadn't done anything wrong other than having the wrong family name, so I let you out.  Your dad was a dick, but you I've got no beef with."

Nate Howe nodded and then suddenly said, "Let me come with you!  I have rogue skills.  You don't have a rogue right now."

His words were like an arrow in Odette's heart and she felt a pang of longing for her beloved Leliana.  Leliana was a rogue...she was her rogue.  Odette's thoughts went to the letter from Leliana she kept in her armor pocket.  Leliana would have allowed Nate Howe to join them and so Odette found herself saying, "Alright you can come with us."

"Are you sodding sod?! He'll soddin' sod ya before you can sodding sod!" Occam said angrily.

"Dude he can open treasure boxes!" Odette said in rebuttal, "Can you do that? Can you Andy? I sure as hell can't. So unless you have a better idea of how to get loot shut your mouths...both of you!"

"Yes mom..." Andy said weakly.

"You won't regret this!" Nate said, "Can I be a Grey Warden too? It would be lame to be the only one who's not a Grey Warden here."

"Yeah we'll see about that. Get your crap, we've got some Deeproads to delve."


	3. Dragon Age - S02E03 - Mini-Odette

"So warden, that's where Kevin and I found the entrance to the Deep Roads. I've marked it on your map for you," the scuzzy hunter said.

His elf companion, Kevin, dutifully added, "I like turtles."

She thanked the duo and as Odette, Occam, Nate Howe, and Andy the Wizard bid the hunters farewell and headed toward the location marked on their map Odette wondered aloud, "What's the deal with city elves?"

"Commander, whatever do you mean?" Nate Howe grumbled like a lead singer in an early aughts emo band.

"Well last season there was that 'I'm still an orphan,' guy and now there's Kevin here...I dunno they just kind of seem soft in the head or something. The Danish elves seem a lot more on the ball. Never mind, I'm probably just reading too much into it. C'mon let's go Deep Road it up."

The Deep Roads entrance pit was in some mountains where some dudes were hanging a dude for adultery. There was also a wrong-bear and some tiny dinosaurs. All of these punk-mark-busters were dispatched rather summarily before Odette and her menfolk made their way down into the Deep Roads pit. There they saw darkspawn dragging some dwarf towards the entrance. Odette would not abide by this and rushed to save the dwarf BIGASS SWORD™ing some darkspawns to death. The entire battle lasted maybe 30 seconds. Without an archdemon to lead them the darkspawn had become a joke.

As the last darkspawn axebattler perished, the dwarf stood and dusted themselves off and then took off their sweet Skyrim Helmet revealing themselves to be a lady dwarf! "Oh my god you're sooooo cute!" Odette exclaimed, "Look at your hair! It's the same as mine! You're like a mini-me! Oh my god! Please come with us! You can be our mascot!"

"He he he...I'd like ta have her mas my cot," Occam leered, licking his lips like some kind of pervert.

"That doesn't even make sense Occam," Odette said, "Get your junk and go wait at Fort Awesome. Your benched. Mini-Me is taking your place."

"Ummm...my name is Sigrun."

"Okay Sigrun. You want to go kill darkspawns with me? I'm supposed to go into these Deep Roads for plot."

"I guess so. I was in the Legion of the Dead so I'm supposed to be in their fighting darkspawn anyway, but I ran when that last group attacked us. I'm worried what happened to the others," Sigrun said.

Inside the deep roads the party power jammed some darkspawn into a fine paste. They then saw a dying dwarf. Sigrun knew who he was and was sad that he died, but then decided to get some revenge on the darkspawn that wrecked her friends' shit. Nate Howe, meanwhile, was all emo about some shit, "You have my respect Sigrun...when I returned from overseas to Feldspar I had nothing. No money. No family. No home. I know how you feel yo. Mad respect and much love for ya kid."

Mini-Odette just sighed at the poor little rich boy and the party pressed on. After a couple minutes they came to a Dwarven Thang in the middle of the Deep Roads. Sigrun was like, "This is where darkspawn are. The front door is totally messed up, the darkspawn turned on the traps that the dwarves themselves had built. It would probably be better if we went in through the secret side entrance over there."

They went through the side entrance and fought more darkspawn until they came to a room filled with golems and traps and shit that they had to battle and disarm respectively. This room apparently was the main entrance, thus making the entire, "We should go in through the side to avoid traps," thing a complete and utter waste of time, but Odette didn't say anything. She didn't want Sigrun to feel bad.

Deeper and deeper into the Dwarven Thang did the party delve. Some ghosts were running around telling the tale of how some Tattoo Dwarves in that Thang took up arms and fought darkspawn like heroes. Odette was pretty sure that it was the origin story of the Legion of the Dead that those ghosts were spitting. She'd have to check her codex at some point to be certain. As they went deeper and deeper and even deeper they saw darkspawn on darkspawn violence. Odette didn't pick a side and crushed 'em all.

At one point Odette discovered a prisoner in a cage. "Let me out of here and I'll give you this thing I found," he said, "I don't want it anymore!"

Odette let him and and took his thing, but had no idea what the thing she took actually was. Her bags were quite frankly out of control from this Deep Road delve, what with the golem armor repair machine and the runestone push puzzle and room with many boxes and shit. She sighed. Sideboob had been so good at keeping the sacks in order...a rather odd trait for a witch of the wild to possess, but she really was the best and sorting and organizing things. As they pressed on further they got ambushed by disgusting caterpillars with faces that could knock Odette down and bite her with their faces until Sigrun axe chopped them to pieces.

Eventually they went down in the lower section and saw two talking darkspawn talking. The wizard one used a bigass golem to rip the chainmail one in half. The wizard talking darkspawn and the golem were then like, "MEH! YOU GUYZ ARE GONNA DIE!!!"

Odette was like, "It's a double boss fight! Quick let's use Everquest raid tactics. I'll tank this wizard. Sigrun you and Nate get that golem. Andrew? Make sure that no one dies!"

A fight happened and the heroes were super victorious. Afterwards Sigrun was like, "The plot was to kill some BBW Titty Demons remember? They will probably be down that hallway."

Down the hallway they traveled, finally coming to a big chamber with a pit in the middle. There were a bunch of BBW Titty Demons down in the pit, but no way down to fight them.

"What if we do cartoon violence on them?" Andrew offered.

"What do you mean Andy?" asked Nate Howe.

"We could chop these chains up and have this chandelier crush those BBW Titty Demons down below," he offered with a shrug.

Odette liked the idea and chopped up a couple chains. The chandelier fell and there was a mushroom cloud and down in the pit all the BBW Titty Demons had been smote.

STAGE CLEARED!

Sigrun was all like, "Well I guess I'm going into the Deep Roads to die an anonymous death now. Thanks for the help with those BBW Titty Demons."

But Odette did not want to lose Mini-Odette and was like, "Come with me! Come with me again!" But Sigrun seemed confused by Odette's quoting of Puff Daddy's song from the Godzilla soundtrack so Odette added, "You should totally become a Grey Warden."

"Can I do that?" Mini-Odette asked.

"Sure! Why not? You'll still fight darkspawn...still probably die doing it. What's the difference?"

"Okay! I'll do it! Thank you so much!"

Meanwhile back in Fort Awesome, Occam laughed sinisterly, "He he he...won't be long before old Occam's back in the bone zone now! I can feel it."

APPROVAL +6.....

**Next time on Dragon Age...**

"Yo Commander, you've totally got to be a judge."


	4. Dragon Age - S02E04 - Carl Howe's Basement (Non-Sex Dungeon Remix)

Odette crossed a rickety bridge towards the old abandoned chantry with small Odette, Nate Howe, and Andy lagging somewhat behind her. This would be a pretty routine ransoming and she didn't expect too much trouble from the unsavory characters waiting on the other side of the bridge.  
  
"Oi that's far enough!" one of the ruffians shouted, "Ya got the cash?"  
  
"I dunno. Why don't you show me the girl first?" Odette shouted back.  
  
"Hawk! Fetch the girl."  
  
A particularly slovenly looking bandito disappeared into a tent, returning a moment later with a young woman of perhaps eight and teen years of age. The woman was the sort of woman that Odette herself would have probably courted had she not met the most wonderful bard of Orleans a few months earlier. She had rather charming short hair and the pert breasts of a noble, but Odette put the lewd thoughts from her mind and shouted, "Send the girl over and I'll give you your cash."  
  
That ploy never worked, only this time she heard the leader tell "Hawk," to send the girl across. The noblewoman ran across the bridge and into the arms of Nate Howe. The bandito leader was all like, "The cash?"  
  
"I don't know nothing about any cash," Odette said, "But I've got a BIGASS SWORD™ with your name on it!"  
  
FIGHT IT OUT!!  
  
The banditos proved to be no trouble at all, but what could one really expect when they themselves had single handedly defeated an archdemon? Well if one was willing to overlook the weird sex magick that was involved that is...  
  
 **OPENING CREDITS!!!!**  
  
"Milord, when Andrea Dworkin threw those sick pipebombs they did some structural damage to Fort Awesome," a charming ladyguard explained, "The basements are all fucked up and there's some darkspawn trapped down there. They're probably give us some trouble if we don't do something about it."  
  
"Alright crew, let's go clean out the basement!" Odette said and lead her party of heroes into the most dangerous place of all: Carl Howe's basement. The last time she'd been in Carl Howe's basement she'd encountered all sorts of men in loincloths, sexmages, gimp masks, a couple polo-shirt clad cuckold, extreme looking buttplugs and other stuff of that ilk. She hoped that this time was slightly less pornographic. Down in the basement they encountered a Dog. The Dog looked pretty beat up, but fortunately Andy loved animals and was able to comfort her in her last(?) moments.  
  
The Dog dropped a scroll that gave the party a quest. There was a woman trapped in the basement name Adria. Nate Howe knew her...she was his mom, or maybe his wetnurse or something, so he was in favor of saving her. Down into the Howe basement they trekked, battling foes and looting treasure, but Odette quickly noticed that the foes were not darkspawn but rather zombies. This did not bode well for Adria. Odette's worries were soon revealed to be completely warranted as they discovered a zombie Adria and quickly smote her.  
  
Nate was a little sad about it but Odette gave him some bow she'd stolen from a crypt that had the Howe mark on it. Nate Howe came in his pants and was like, "Yo dawg this was my grandfather's bow. Thanks a ton brah. I'll put this to good use," and Odette was like, "Yo man don't even trip, I know what it's like to lose everything except a random weapon that you use to remember your family. It's why I have a Highever Shield in my bank back at Fort Awesome."  
  
"Mad respect," Nate said.  
  
"Mad respect right back attcha Nate Dog," Odette replied.  
  
At that moment ladyguard and a dwarf appeared. The ladyguard had an orgasm over Odette's awesome fighting skills and the dwarf was like, "Yo, this looks like its Deep Roads. That's why there's darkspawn all up in here. I bet if we go down there further we could find a way to seal the darkspawn out at a single choke point."  
  
Odette liked the sound of this and her posse went further down into the basements. Nate wanted to know more about Dust Town and asked if it was like an Alienage, Tiny Odette said that an alienage was nice compared to Dust Town, but Odette (full-sized edition) wondered when Sigrun aka Tiny Odette had ever been to an Alienage. Sigrun hadn't been to one with the party, and in all other conversations made it seeme as though she'd not been to the surface prior to meeting Odette. Odette would have to get to the bottom of that mystery once she was done in the basement.  
  
The basement was loaded with random skeletons and some not-orcs and not-goblins, but they were pretty much a joke. The four-pack of Grey Wardens was pretty much a Minnesota Wrecking Crew on anything that was dark and/or spawn. After a short heap of wandering they came across a weird shadow monster. The weird shadow monster got owned hard and busted through a wall, but Odette and company chased it down, but it disappeared and a random ogre boss monster attacked. He, too, got wrecked to the max...his shit was all fucked up, when the weird shadow monster came back and turned into ghost ogre boss monster. This ghost ogre boss monster totally died in a couple seconds and then the ladyguard and the dwarf randomly appeared and were like, "Yo we can build some vault doors down here and keep the darkspawns out. Good job hero!"  
  
Odette was like, "Yo thanks, I've got these crypt keys I gotta do some kind of plot with. I'll catch you cats later," and then went upstairs to B1 to do crypt plot with the keys. She and the party killed some ghost knights of the code and get phat loots and then went back into Fort Awesome.  
  
Inside Fort Awesome Nate Howe dropped some truth bombs, "That bow you gave me is fucking awesome. It was totally my grandfather's and my grandfather was a Grey Warden, but my dad, Carl Howe, was like 'You grandfather is a fucking moron who threw his life away for a stupid cause.' I was ashamed of my grandfather when I was a little guy."  
  
Odette felt sorry for Nate Howe, "Sounds like your dad was a megadouchelord."  
  
"You're right," Nate replied, "He kind of was..."


	5. Dragon Age - S02E05 - The Smugglers

Odette and her posse made their way into the city of Amaretto. There were refugees all over the place for some reason. Hadn't a year passed since she'd killed an archdemon? Weren't the cities already all rebuilt and stuff? What were there so many refugees for? She put the thoughts from her mind as she moseyed up to the front gate. A guy with white cornrows like Sven used to have was all like, "Yo, I gotta check your bags to see if you've got smuggled goods," but Odette wasn't having it.  
  
"Fool don't you recognize the Lady Commander of the Grey Wardens?"  
  
White Cornrows replied, "Sorry ma'am orders is orders. Gotta check your pack."  
  
At that moment White Cornrows' supervisor came over and hollered at him, "You dumbass, you don't search the Lady Commander Mrs. Carl's bags! Get over there and harass some poorfolk."  
  
White Cornrows kicked a rock and shuffled off to beat up poorfolk and tell refugees to stay the fuck out of Amaretto. His supervisor was, meanwhile, all apologetic, "Yo sorry about that...that guy's pretty much a dumbass. But we do have a problem with smugglers going on. Maybe you could kick their ass and do my job for me?"  
  
"Sure!" Odette exclaimed enthusiastically, "If there's one thing I love, it's doing other peoples' jobs for them."  
  
"Great," said the supervisor, "There's a shady character in the market. Maybe he knows what the deal is."  
  
So off Odette went, quick as a whip, to the market place. The shady character was pretty much not inconspicuous, as he pretty much had an arrow pointing to him declaring, "Shady Character." Odette approached him to intercourse, but somehow he knew that she'd beat up another smuggler on the outskirts of town before speaking with White Cornrows and his supervisor.  
  
"Hey...you're the sick fucks who cut off Angry Johnny's head! Get 'em boyz!!!" shouted the shady character.  
  
The shady character then hauled ass as some uncouth thugs attacked. They were quickly owned hard due to the combined might of Odette and Sigrun...and Nate and Andy were also there. With a pile of thugs dispatched, Odette gave chase, but was waylaid again by more thugs. These too were cut up into kibbles and bits, and again Odette ran after the shady character. Again more thugs. This was really getting ridiculous. Again and again she battled shitty nameless thugs as the shady character slipped away. Finally on the outskirts of town she caught up with him.  
  
"Please don't hurt me...I'll tell you everything!" he shouted.  
  
"THIS IS FOR MAKING ME RUN AND MESSING UP MY THREE PIGTAILS!!!" Odette shouted and she cleaved the shady character in two. She dusted off her hands and declared, in a most dunderheaded presidential manner, "Mission accomplished! Let's go see that supervisor guy."  
  
The supervisor was half pleased about the heaps of dead thugs in the street, but was worried that the house where Odette had chopped a shady character in half was a smuggler lair. He said something about a key and wanted Odette to go deeper into the lair and put an end to the smugglers once and for all. Odette brushed out her three ponytails and wiped the blood off BIGASS SWORD™ and then went back to the house on the edge of town. Another goddamn smuggler was there and attacked her but was quickly chopped into 72 pieces of equal weight.   
  
Lo and behold, when Sigrun picked the dead smuggler's pockets she found a key to the trapdoor.  
  
"Righteous! We got a key. Let's go beat the boss of this quest!" Odette declared.  
  
Down in the basement, they encountered the Boss Smuggler, but he was a joke too. Seriously, after killing a couple dragons and an archdemon, what hope did these stupid smugglers and pirates and banditos think they really stood? With the smugglers dead Sigrun set to work stealing everything. There was a lot of crap, but among the crap was a NEW AND IMPROVED SWEETASS GIANT AXE®. Odette was pumped up, since she'd been using the same BIGASS SWORD™ that she'd found in the Tower of Wizard Shit way back in Season 1 and if there was one thing she loved almost as much as her beloved Leliana, Bard of Orleans, it was gear upgrades.  
  
She gave the axe a couple of practice swings and chopped up a smuggler into 87 chunks of equal weight and then she lead her fellows out of the smugglers' lair into a bar. The bartender there was like, "Yo I saw that Grey Warden you're looking for Commander. His room is upstairs...you can steal all his shit if you want, but don't blame me if he's angry."  
  
Odette didn't know who he was talking about, but she was fond of stealing stuff out of treasure boxes and quickly looted his shit.  
  
"Guys, I don't know who this Grey Warden we are looking for is," she admitted rather readily, "Sideboob usually kept track of that stuff, and thus far no one here has proven to be a suitable replacement. Let's go back to Fort Awesome and ask Sean Chal about it. That guy probably knows some shit...and anyway he's a silver fox."  
  
"Aren't you gay?" Andy asked.  
  
"Yeah so? It doesn't mean I can't comment on the comeliness of Sean Chal."  
  
"I suppose not..." Andy replied, "Back to 'Fort Awesome' I suppose."  
  
Back at Fort Awesome Odette took a wrong turn and was confronted by an elf that Nate recognized.  
  
"Groundskeeper Willy?"  
  
"Ack yer alive Nate-oh..."  
  
"How did my brother and sister die Groundskeeper Willy?"  
  
"Yer brother died in the war and yer sister she didna die. She's in Amaretto...married a shopkeep."  
  
"Odette, can we look for my sister when we go back to Amaretto?"  
  
"Yeah Nate we can. You are quickly becoming a top five companion so I will gladly help you find your sister," Odette replied.  
  
"Thanks Odette," Nate replied.  
  
At just that moment the awkward silence was shattered by a sound that heralded that undoubtedly would go down in history as perhaps the most monumental event during the entire Dragon Age. "Meow."  
  
NEXT TIME ON DRAGON AGE: "I'll keep him in my pack!" "What's an Antivan milk sandwich? Oh..."


	6. Dragon Age - S02E06 - Fade Into You

"Can I really keep him?" Andy asked gleefully, "I promise I'll take care of him and feed him every day."  
  
"Yes, Andy, you can keep the cat," Odette said, already regretting giving the mage the small stray cat she'd found.  
  
"Thanks boss, I'm going to call him Sir Pouncealot."  
  
"That's some name..." Odette said. She had stopped listening to Andy four or five minutes earlier and was trying to make sense of her Codex. She didn't know how a swampbaby like Sideboob had kept such immaculate notes. The entries since her mysterious departure were sporadic and lacking in anything close to concrete details. Like the entry she saw before her just said "Blackmarsh? Blackmarch?" What was that even supposed to mean? Maybe Nate would know...this was his hometown after all.  
  
"Yo Nate do you know what the deal is with Blackmarsh?" Odette asked.  
  
"My father told me about it once. It's got ghosts in it or some shit. When I was a little guy I used to dream of doing hero moves in the Blackmarsh."  
  
"Wanna make those dreams a reality?" Odette asked.  
  
"Do I ever!"  
  
So off for the Blackmarsh the party set. There they battled rabid wolfmangs and regular rabid wolves. At one point they came across a camp that they determined once belonged to Kevin or Kris Kristofferson or whatever that one Grey Warden Odette had shitty notes about finding was named. Hot on the trail of the missing Warden, Odette and company ran up a hill and found Kris Kristofferson's corpse.  Before they had time to mourn the loss of whatever that guy's name was they  were confronted by another talking darkspawn. He was shitty and did some shit magic on the party that sent them into the Fade!!!!  
  
  
  
Odette wanted to slow dance at a middle school spring fling with Leliana but such thoughts were quickly dashed when she realized it was the other Fade...the one that pissed off Brodude and allowed her to turn into a mouse and some kind of rockman.  
  
"Oh man...not this shit again," she whined in a nearly Brodude fashion.  The she noticed that stupid talking not-orc was still there.  He was all flustered that he was in the Fade too.  Apparently, "The Mother," wasn't supposed to have sent him into the Fade, only Odette's posse, so Odette proposed a one time only team up...like when GI Joe and Cobra teamed up to fight drug dealers that one time, but the not-orc was not having it.  He caused Very Hungry Caterpillars to attack the party as he moseyed away.  
  
  
 _Darkspawn Children  
  
_ With caterpillars ruined, the posse tried to find a way out of the Fade that did not involve blood magic and pissing of King Brodude First of His Name even more.  Some shitty spirit tried to lure the party into a trap, but Odette was like, "Yo ghost, I totally have killed numerous titty demons, dragons, archdemons, and skull knights...your shit will get totally ruined if you step to this," and the ghost replied, "I've got nothing but respect yo...but the Baroness is going to wreck house on you."  
  
"Whateves."  
  
The party made their way into some sort of ghost city and there they saw a ghost knight of the code.  He was leading a group of Ghost Lives Matter protesters at the gates of some sort of manor house.  Odette hit the scene and was like, "Yo Ghost Knight, what's the deal?"  
  
The ghost knight was like, "MY NAME IS JUSTICE AND THIS IS NOT JUSTICE GOING ON!  WE ARE GONNA GET SOME JUSTICE ON THE BARONESS!"  
  
"Can this Baroness send me home?" Odette asked, "This the Fade sucks.  It's not even coping a feel to a Mazzy Star song in 1994."  
  
"What are you even talking about?" Andy asked.  
  
"Of course you wouldn't know Andy.  Nate knows what's up.  Right Nate?"  
  
"Oh...yeah...of course..." Nate replied and then mouthed, "I have no idea what she's talking about," at Andy.  
  
"So Knight of the Code, you want some help to punch fight this Baroness?" Odette asked.  
  
The Ghost Knight of the Code said that with Odette's might they would be able to challenge the Baroness and then kicked in a door Law & Order SVU style.  "BARONESS GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!" the ghost knight shouted, "YOU'VE BEEN A PRICK LONG ENOUGH!  YOUR REIGN OF TERROR ENDS NOW!!!"  
  
The Baroness sauntered out of her manor house and laughed and said some stuff, but Odette couldn't concentrate so beautiful and foreign sounding was the Baroness.  Her bosoms?  Noble as fuck.    
  
  
 _Baroness of Blackmarsh or Blackmarch_  
  
Odette suddenly realized that that stupid talking not-orc was in the front yard muttering some crap.  The next thing Odette realized she was NEW AND IMPROVED SWEETASS GIANT AXE®ing that stupid talking not-orc, and then the Baroness was like, "Fuck all y'all!  Get outta my Fade."  
  
Odette blacked out and when she came to she was in the Blackmarsh again with her posse next to Kris Kristofferson's corpse.  Suddenly the corpse sat up and was like, "AW MAN!!! NOOOOOO!  I'm in a shitty body!"  
  
"Justice is that you man?" Nate asked.  
  
"Yes...I'm in this Grey Warden's body...man this is messed up.  Oh the Baroness is here too.  We gotta stop her.  I'm joining your party...bench one of your dudes."  
  
"Okay...can I call you Kris Kristofferson though?  Justice is a dumb as fuck name."  
  
"NO!  MY NAME IS JUSTICE!!"  
  
"Okay 'Justice,' let's get this over with.  Nate, I'm sorry brah, I gotta bench you for a bit.  I'll get you back in the team as soon as this plot is done with," Odette said, "You were pretty much a hero anyway."  
  
"Alright," Nate said as he sulked off back towards Fort Awesome.  
  
Odette looted some bodies and found a NEW & IMPROVED BIGASS SWORD™.  She wasn't even sad that her axe was less than a day old since this NEW & IMPROVED BIGASS SWORD™ was way more aesthetically pleasing.  She also got some sweet plate armor and helmet and boots, but couldn't find matching gloves, much to her dismay.  She'd have to find something similar back at Fort Awesome later.  
  
With "Justice" in tow they went into some manor house and confronted the Baroness.  Odette wanted to do sex moves on her, but they suddenly the Baroness was barfing and turned into some kind of shit demon.  It was hella grody.  She sprung into action swinging the NEW & IMPROVED BIGASS SWORD™ with reckless abandon.  Soon the Baroness was no more.  "Justice" was like, "Well, I've got nowhere else to go..."  
  
Odette sighed, "Fine, you want to go wait at Fort Awesome Sven Cornrows Season II?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Alright, I got a Playstation achievement...I guess this level is done.  Let's go home," Odette said.  
  
But as they made their way out of the swamp, the accidentally revived some sort of ghost dragon.  Since a rampaging ghost dragon is not really a thing that Odette wanted loose in her Carlate, she and the party of Andy, Sigrun, and Justice walked up a mountain to kill it.  
  
They killed it.  Then they went home.  
  
In Fort Awesome peasants were revolting.  Odette was like, "Dudes listen for a second...I will help you guys out."  The lady peasant was like, "Let's listen to the Commander!" but some jerkoff was like, "NO LET'S DO SHITTY PEASANT VIOLENCE ON WELL TRAINED SOLDIERS WITH BIGASS SWORD™S!!"  
  
The end result was wholesale slaughter of the peasantry.  Odette wasn't really feeling good about the whole scene so she went into her throne room to mope and/or masturbate furiously while thinking of a certain redheaded bard of Orleans dressed as a Chantry sister, but in the throne room was Bann Bitchy Lady.  She had full plate on and dudes with crossbows.  One crossbow bolt was coming straight for Odette when Sean "Silver Fox" Chal jumped in front of her and took the bullet.  
  
Odette recognized the bolt as Crow make and she was furious, "CROWS!  I THOUGHT WE WERE COOL!  I DID SOME PLOT FOR YOU LAST SEASON!!!  WTF DUDES?!"  
  
Sword chopping happened and all the assassins and Banns were dead.  Some kind of Boss Guardman was like, "Sorry boss I fucked up.  This horrible woman shouldn't have been in here."  
  
"Yeah mang...you done goofed."  
  
Meanwhile somewhere else an Octo-titty demon who clearly smoked like six packs of Virginia Slims a day was cackling about something.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED!!! 


	7. Dragon Age - S02E07 - The Wiggly Woods

Amaretto was lovely this time of year. The refugees were beautiful shades of red and yellow and there was the satisfying crunch of slain thugs and smugglers underfoot. Had Leliana been there (and had she had an oversized travel mug of pumpkin spice latte) Odette would have thought herself in heaven. But alas, instead of Leliana she had Nate Howe, Andy, and Sigrun. None of them were terrible, quite the opposite really. She'd become rather fond of each of them and Nate Howe was perhaps her third favorite companion* ever...which was truly saying a lot, as he was, after all, a Howe.

Their afternoon had been spent taking care of some really mundane administrative nonsense: reuniting Nate with his long lost sister, saving Andy from some Templars, killing random banditos on the outskirts of town, but before they headed back to Fort Awesome, Odette need to stop by the Chantery to complete some job or other. As she came up the stairs she saw a special guest star: Winnie Cooper!

"Winnie Cooper, how are you doing, you old biddy?" Odette asked warmly.

"I'm pretty good, my angel didn't let me die yet, so I guess I've still got some work to do. Anyway there's a Tower of Wizard Shit Kingsmoot coming up and I need my friend Agnes the Botanist to come back and vote in the Kingsmoot. She went into the Wiggly Woods. Do you think you could look for her?"

Odette glanced at her Codex brand day planner and said, "Well, it looks like I've got some other crap to do in the Wiggly Woods anyway, so sure, I'll look for Agnes for you."

"Many thanks my dear friend," Winnie Cooper said, "Well, I gotta go do some plot away from here. It was nice cameoing with you." And with that the old biddy took her leave.

Odette, now with a fresh sense of purpose headed to the Wiggly Woods. Inside the woods she saw a lot of smashed up wagons and suddenly she was ambushed by banditos. Oh sure, they called themselves scavengers, but a bandito by any other name is still a bandito. The banditos were total jokes and she wrecked house on them. She also got attacked by Ents and Fire Ents (there were fortunately no Carpenter Ents or Army Ents) but these guys were also redankulously easy kills.

The party finally came to a bridge where they saw some kind of random redshirt soldier. "LET ME OUTTA HERE!" the guy who was sure to die screamed, "IT'S THAT ELF!!! SHE'S KILLIN' EVERYONE!"

Odette stepped aside and that random dude hauled ass. Precisely at that moment a cleavage elf magically appeared. Odette thought that her boobs were pretty nice, but not as nice as Sideboob's. The cleavage elf screamed some stuff about her sister and hating all humans and never taking her alive before magicing away.

"That was pretty zany," Sigrun said.

"Yeah, it was," Odette said, "We should probably keep an eye out for her as we look for Agnes and carpets."

Deeper and deeper into the Wiggly Woods did they trek. They battled not-orcs and not-goblins and rabid wolves and random Ents and found some 1950s Western movie Native Americans who were turned to stone. They were brothers and one loved peace and one loved violence. The violent one was like, "How! Me wanna you kill Davinter mage...set me free paleskin." The peace one was like, "Mother Earth never let us free from stone. We must find peace. Help my brother see this."

Odette, being a woman of war, wanted to kill a Davinter, but couldn't find his ashes, so she was just like, "Yo War Dude, maybe you should just try to chillax and enjoy being a stone," so he was like, "But is so hard paleskin. Me no know how to find peace. Me need time."

"You don't have to find peace over night brah, just take your time," Odette replied.

A little ways past the rock Native Americans there was some sort of push puzzle thing. Odette couldn't figure it out, but heard about Nate Howe's muddy boots several dozen times. "Maybe that's where that Davinter guy's ashes are," Odette thought to herself as she gave up and went deeper into the Wiggly Woods. A few moments later she was face to face with Agnes. Agnes seemed like she didn't really like Winnie Cooper, but would go to the Tower of Wizard Shit Kingsmoot if Odette found some seeds for her. The seeds were literally a two minute walk from where Agnes was, so Odette handed the seeds over and off Agnes went to the Kingsmoot.

"Good job guys," Odette said trying to sound like she just "landed a jet" on an aircraft carrier, "Mission accomplished."

"Umm boss...what about that elf?" Andy asked, "We were supposed to find out about whoever was wrecking house on those wagons right?"

"Yeah I guess so," Odette sighed, "Let's go deeper into the woods."

Deeper in the woods they battled more rabies wolves and darkspawns and even found some kind of solider guy who was like, "THEY CAME FROM BEHIND!" and then darkspawns popped up and tried to wreck ass on Odette's crew, but Odette's crew is hella hard and wrecked ass on them. The soldier guy was also like, "Yo mang, it was the darkspawns. They were pretending to be humans when they wrecked house on the elves."

Odette found a pit of dead bodies. It was gross. Andy totally barfed all over the place, but the bodies totally confirmed the dying soldier's story. It was clear that the bodies had been dead for a hella long time. Odette was encouraged by Sigrun to go back to the elf camp and find that cleavage elf again. En route back to the camp, the cleavage elf ambushed the party and threw Ents at them, but Ents is nothing!! Those Ents got turned into kindling like woah.

In the camp the cleavage elf finally listened to Odette.

"Yo, those humans never even wrecked house on you. It was not-orcs and not-goblins. Look I found this elf trinket in one of their pockets."

Cleavage Elf was like, "Yo that's my sister's! Okay, maybe it was darkspawns then. Where would darkspawns even hide out?"

Odette shrugged, "In a tunnel or cave probably."

Cleavage Elf shouted, "LIKE THE MINES OVER THERE! C'MON LET'S GO! I'M TOTALLY COMING WITH YOU."

Odette sighed and turned to Nate, "Look man I'm sorry. If I knew what kind of mage she was, I'd bench Andy. But I don't know if she's got heals man."

"Nah it's cool," Nate said, "I'll be back at Fort Awesome if it turns out she's a white mage or something."

"Thanks for being cool brah."

"Don't mention it," Nate replied, and then he and Odette pounded fists before he headed off for Fort Awesome.  He really was one of the best.

**To be continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Companion Rankings!!!
> 
> 1\. Leliana  
> 2\. Sideboob  
> 3\. Nate Howe  
> 4\. Doug the Dog  
> 5\. Sigrun  
> 6\. Winnie Cooper  
> 7\. Andy  
> 8\. ZEV!  
> 9\. Shale  
> 10\. Occam  
> 11\. JUSTICE!  
> 12\. Sven Cornrows  
> 13\. Brodude Heroman
> 
> Cleavage Elf - inefficient data for ranking


	8. Dragon Age - S02E08 - The Man Without a Face

**PREVIOUSLY ON ~~LOST~~ DRAGON AGE!**  
  
"That trinket...it was my sister's! But where would darkspawns live?"  
  
"I dunno...I guess in a tunnel."  
  
"Like those abandoned mines over there?"  
  
"Yup..."  
  
  
  
The Pleather Mines, a brief two minute walk from Cleavage von Elf's camp, were guarded by a heap of not-orcs, not-goblins and a single ogre.  Much ownage was laid down on the scummy darkspawns.  Cleavage von Elf actually did have heals which made Odette regret sending Nate away.  Nate's sweet Howe Bow would have been handy in laying the smack down on the not-goblin bowguys that were shooting arrows at everyone from wherever they were standing, though it didn't really matter...some kind of wizard just wizarded the shit out of them anyway.  
  
With the not-orcs totally fucked over and looted the crew made their way into the Pleather Mines.  They were oddly deserted.  Usually when Odette went into a cave or tunnel or mineshaft or mountain village it was roughly five seconds before some monster or bandito or hellfiend was trying to ruin her shit, but this time there was nothing.  
  
Loading Please Wait....  
  
"Fuck," Odette thought, "This is probably going to be worse than a random heap of not-orcs."  
  
A guy without a face appeared on a balcony with a zombie dwarf babe and a zombie elf babe.  The guy without a face had shitty "I listen to Slipknot and shop at Hot Topic" face piercings and started bellowing some stuff, "Dudes you are totally interrupting my interracial threesome...but it don't even matter.  Poppies...poppies...poppies will put them to sleep."  
  
  
_Odette gets knocked the fuck out by poppies_  
  
Odette came to in a prison cell.  How many times had that happened to her?  At least this time her captor had had the decency to give her a dress.  It was a pretty nice dress...though not as nice as the dress she wore when she and Leliana played The Noblewoman and the Nun...  
  
Her thoughts of Leliana's rather shapely backside were rather rudely interrupted by plot.  The zombie elf babe from The Man Without a Face's Interracial Threesome was standing outside the prison cell.  Cleavage von Elf was all like, "Yo! That's my sister!"  
  
The zombie elf babe was like, "Yo, I'm going to let you out of this jail, but then I gotta bail.  If you're clever and tough you should be able to find all your shit again."  
  
Out of the jail cell some not-orcs attacked.  Sigrun and Odette rushed forward to punch-fight them, but fortunately Andy and Cleavage had some wizard shit and could wizard them into submission.  Fortune smiled upon Odette as the not-orcs had a shit ton of mediocre gear.  With a shitty big ass sword and some chain armor equipped and Sigrun wielding some craptastic short swords the party set forth to make a break for it.  They shot a cannon at a statue and killed some more darkspawns and eventually came to some tunnel where a shitty elf zombie was slouching about.  
  
Cleavage shouted in a fury, "THAT BITCH HAS MY SHIT!!!!"  
  
The elf zombie was slaughtered and sure enough she did have Cleavage's gear.  
  
"That's pretty weird," Andy said, "I wonder if there are other doppelgangers who have our gear too."  
  
Sure enough a few tunnels later a zombie version of Sigrun showed up.  She was owned hard by the non-zombie Sigrun and soon two party members were out of shitty darkspawn jockstraps and pointy sticks and back in SUPER SUPREME ARMOR OF GOD OWNAGE AND SABERS OF ULTIMA: QUEST OF THE AVATAR WITH SOME KIND OF ELITE RUNES ON THEM thus making the going all the more smooth.  One or two battle zones after the zombie Sigrun the party encountered a zombie Andy and a zombie Odette.  
  
"Shit this is going to suck!" Odette said as she poked the well armored version of herself with cardboard covered in aluminum foil big ass sword.  
  
The zombie Odette exploded in some kind of firestorm of wizard shit and Odette looted her gear back.  
  
"Pshew...at least we have our armor and shit," she said as she adjusted her sports bra.  
  
"What about our potions and those vases and shit you don't know if you can sell?" Andy asked.  
  
"I guess we weren't clever enough to get them back," Odette shrugged, "Doesn't really matter though does it?  I haven't chugged a potion since before Winnie Cooper joined my crew."  
  
That was a lie, but Andy didn't know.  No need to bore him with the details of the final battle against the archdemon in which Winnie Cooper got knocked the fuck out and Odette chugged many potions before discovering that she could just stand at a ballista and arrow the shit out of the archdemon while nameless red-shirt dwarves battled the archdemon in a proper hero versus giant dragon style.  
  
Andy shrugged, "I suppose not."  
  
"Good!  C'mon let's go!  We're not out of the prison yet and I haven't gotten a Playstation achievement signifying that we beat this level."  
  
The party sallied forth and came to a room in which they proved exactly how clever they were by opening a treasure chest before a big door.  Inside the chest was all their random shit gear.  Potions and shit to make poison and traps that they never really used and a bunch of crap that Wade needed to build some kind of armor or weapons or whatever and the like.  
  
"We are so smart and clever!" Andy declared as he stuffed Demonic Ichor into his pants.  
  
"Yup," Odette nodded, "Now come on!  We've got a boss fight left to fight!"  
  
Inside the room beyond the big doors, the Man Without a Face appeared again with his babes, "Dudes you totally ruined my threesome.  Doesn't matter though, I've got some double dragons for you.  I'm Audi 5000."  
  
Odette sighed, she'd always preferred Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Arcade Game or X-Men: The Arcade Game as far as side scrolling beat 'em ups went, but she supposed she could amuse herself with Double Dragon while that guy with shitty piercings humped a zombie dwarf and a zombie elf.  
  
"Alright!" she shouted, "But hurry up with your orgy...I just want to beat this level okay?"  
  
The Man Without a Face sighed, "Dragons do your worst."  
  
Suddenly two dragons swooped down from somewhere.  Odette was furious.  This was not Abobo busting out of a wall and getting punched to hell by Billy and Jimmy Lee...this was two dragons!!  
  
  
_What Odette expected..._  
  
Two dragons were not easy kills to say the least.  In fact they were probably the hardest kills that she had faced since she let a bunch of dwarfs die while she shot a ballista as fast as she could.  Fortunately Sigrun was pretty much a tank and there were two healers so they split up.  Sigrun and Andy punch battled one while Odette and Cleavage took the other one on.  Soon there were two dead dragons in the middle of the room.  There was no Man Without a Face though...or sweet zombie babes.  
  
Cleavage was like, "MY SISTER!!  SHE'S IN THAT TUNNEL!!!"  
  
And Sigrun was like, "Smells like Deeproads."  
  
Cleavage wanted to be a Grey Warden so she could have darkspawn radar and Odette, being an equal opportunity employer was like, "Yeah cool.  You don't mind if I stare at your boobs do you?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
POST-CREDIT STINGER  
  
"Sorry dwarf zombie," the Man Without a Face mumbled, "It's ruined...your homies are too rough and tough."  
  
The zombie dwarf moved to walk away from the Man Without a Face and he panicked.  All his hard work for the worst interracial threesome ever would be ruined if that zombie dwarf bailed.  
  
"Babe, I promise you I will make this right.  I always keep my promises!" he said.  
  
The dwarf zombie babe seemed pleased by his random promise and rejoined him as they set off to wherever...one step closer to horrible sex moves.


	9. Dragon Age - S02E09 - The Battle For Amaretto

"Alright, we just need to talk to Sean Chal about making you an official Grey Warden," Odette said to Cleavage von Elf as they entered the throne room of Fort Awesome.  
  
But Sean "Silver Fox" Chal did not want to pull out the big ass Frat House Chug Cup for Cleavage.  He was too preoccupied by the piles of noblemens in the throne room.  "We've got a bit of a situation here," Sean said, "The darkspawns have marshaled some armies and are totally heading this way and to Amaretto.  We gotta go to war.  You want to go to war or do you have other shit to do?"  
  
"Umm...I want to turn this well endowed elf into a Grey Warden...will you do that?" Odette asked hopefully.  
  
But the Silver Fox just mumbled, "I said...We've got a bit of a situation here.  The darkspawns have marshaled some armies and are totally heading this way and to Amaretto. We gotta go to war. You want to go to war or do you have other shit to do?"  
  
Odette huffed, "Fine.  I'll go to war.  What do I gotta do?"  
  
"Well," Sean said, "You can stay here and defend Fort Awesome or go to Amaretto on a suicide mission and try to save the city."  
  
Odette thought for a moment, "I got some awesome armor for our soldiers and found granite for that dude and fought darkspawns in the basement.  I think Fort Awesome will be alright for a couple days.  I choose suicide mission!"  
  
"Oooo...can I come?" Sigrun asked, "Suicide missions are my bread and butter."  
  
"Yeah sure."  
  
The Silver Fox was like, "Alright, suicide mission for you...who's going with you?"  
  
"Um...Sigrun because she volunteered and Nate to restore his family's lost honor and Cleavage for me to stare at...errr...so she can make up for killing all those truckers."  
  
"Okay sounds good," the Silver Fox declared.  
  
"I'll make sure everything is cool here!" Occam offered.  
  
Odette nodded, "I'll hold you to that buddy.  We'll have a couple kegs when I get back here after doing heroics in Amaretto."  
  
And with that Odette, Sigrun, Nate Howe, and Cleavage von Elf set off for Amaretto.  The city was already under siege by Very Hungry Caterpillars and not-orcs.  There was fire and things did not look so awesome.  
  
  
  
 _Amaretto...UNDER SIEGE!!!_  
  
Odette rushed into battle screaming "YO JOE!!!" and swinging her NEW AND IMPROVED BIG ASS SWORD™ completely and utterly ruining the shit of many Very Hungry Caterpillars.  Townsfolk and guardsmen alike appeared as she slew the last fiend and were like, "Yo...the town's fucked.  You might want to go back to Fort Awesome."  
  
But Odette was steadfast, "Nah guys, Fort Awesome has some fucking awesome walls and shit.  There are people in this town I gotta save.  Shit mang, Nate's sister is in here, and maybe Winnie Cooper is still hanging about.  I can't just leave the town to darkspawns."  
  
At that moment some kind of talking not-orc appeared and was like, "Yo the architect wanted to warn you that the mother is totally going to attack Fort Awesome."  
  
"I don't know who the architect or the mother are," Odette said, "But I am not falling for your trick talking not-orc.  I've gotta save a city."  
  
"Odette, maybe we should go back to Fort Awesome," Nate said.  
  
"Nate!  What about your sister, mang?"  
  
"Okay, you've totally persuaded me to stay," Nate replied.  
  
"This is craziness," Cleavage shouted angrily.  
  
"Look, you killed a bunch of truckers.  Do you really want more innocent human blood on your hands?" Odette asked hoping Cleavage would not notice that by staying in Amaretto, other innocent humans in Fort Awesome would undoubtedly die.  
  
"No, I suppose not," the busty Danish elf replied.  
  
Sigrun just shrugged and was like, "C'mon lets go die glorious deaths fighting hordes of darkspawns!"  
  
And after telling the talking not-orc that he was going to help them kill Very Hungry Caterpillars, Odette and her posse headed into the city to fight it out.  There were Very Hungry Caterpillars and not-orcs and not-goblins and even an ogre, but Odette and her posse, along with the resistance forces inside the city laid them out.  After some intense fighting it seemed like perhaps the city would be saved after all.  The chief of police was like, "Yo, we've got all the survivors up in the Chantry.  There's a team of darkspawn heading this way, but we've got about a day before they arrive.  Why don't you go chill in the Chantry for a bit until they get here?"  
  
That was a pretty good idea so Odette went to the Chantry and as soon as she sat down on a pew some dude came in all flustered and waving his arms around like a goon, "IT'S DARKSPAWNS!!!  IN THE INN!!!!!  THEY'RE RUNNING ROUGHSHOD!!!! WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING!!!"  
  
Odette sighed, "Fine...I'll go take care of it."  
  
Out in the street there were Fat Very Hungry Caterpillars.  They were hella tough and knocked Cleavage and Nate the fuck out, but Odette and Sigrun were hella tougher and kicked their asses in, though Odette had to chug a potion.  After making Sigrun swear to never tell Andy about the potion she chugged, and reviving Nate and Cleavage, Odette and company busted into the inn.  
  
  
  
 _Adult darkspawn._  
  
In the inn there were more darkspawn, including a talking darkspawn general.  The fighting was too fast too furious and of course Odette and her friends emerged victorious.  As the last fat very hungry caterpillar screamed its death scream, Odette had a moment of epiphany, "Oh yeah there's totally a smuggler tunnel in this inn isn't there?  That's probably how the darkspawns are getting in here.  Guys, we gotta go down into the smuggler tunnel and seal it off or something."  
  
Everyone was like, "Yo boss that's a great idea!" and "Let's go into the smuggler tunnel and lay the smack down on whatever talking not-orcs or very hungry caterpillars are lurking about down there!" and "I CANNOT WAIT TO DIE FIGHTING DARKSPAWNS!!!!" so they went down into the smuggler tunnel and it was exactly as Odette and imagined.  There were hella hungry caterpillars and not-orc grunts and not-goblin peons and a talking not-orc wizard, but it did not even matter a little bit, so mighty was Odette's might.  They killed all the foes in the tunnel but more were coming in through the trapdoor.  
  
"They must be in that smuggler shack outside of town!" Odette shouted as she BIG ASS SWORD™ed the ever loving shit out of a not-orc who had the misfortune of sticking his head down through the trapdoor, "My dudes!  Time to be heroes guys like Mariah Carey said in that commercial for some shitty freemium game that they always show during the baseball playoffs!!!"  
  
Cleavage von Elf started to ask what the hell Odette was talking about, but Nate stopped her and was like, "Yeah, just ignore her...she gets that way sometimes."  
  
Upstairs there were more darkspawns including another talking not-orc wizard and a ogre with at least half-plate...maybe even full-plate.  
  
"Sigrun, you and Nate get on that ogre!  I've got this shit wizard!  Cleavage, don't let us die!" Odette screamed as she charged the shitty wizard.  Her sword blazed with a fury as she chopped the shit out of the wizard.  Behind her the sound of steel upon steel rang as Sigrun battled the armored ogre.  "This one's for Amaretto!!!" Odette bellowed as she delivered a killing blow.  The shitty wizard turned into a corpse with blood coming out of his wounds and Odette turned to join in the fight against the armor ogre, and soon that mighty foe was similarly dead.  
  
As she approached a shitty wizard corpse to loot a body, all the guards and townspeople appeared and were like, "Yay!  You won the day!  You are the hero of Amaretto!!" and to show their appreciation they bestowed upon her a Playstation achievement declaring her the official hero of Amaretto.  
  
A chief of police emerged from the crowd and was like, "Yo Odette, that talking not-orc who was talking crazy talk about I.M. Pei and Danzig's hit song, 'Mother,' said that you gotta go to Danzig's shit song, 'Mother's' lair and fight the aforementioned song.  There are hella darkspawn heading in the direction he said was where the lair was so I'm pretty sure he was telling the truth."  
  
"Okay cool.  What about Fort Awesome?" Odette asked.  
  
"Um...there aren't too many reports, but what we hear isn't good."  
  
Odette felt like she was going to barf, "WHAT?!  I left Andy and Occam there...and that guy with a stupid name.  I'd built some walls and had armor and cleaned up the basement!  WHAT THE FUCK?!"  
  
Nate tried to offer some encouragement, "Maybe it's not as bad as you think.  Maybe they're just hella besieged."  
  
Odette frowned, "Nate, you're kind of new to this whole Dragon Age thing, but if someone is like, 'Looks bad Todd,' it means things are totally fucked up, like, 'You can never go to that area again,' levels of fucked up."  
  
  
  
 _Fort Awesome?_  
  
"Fuck," Nate muttered.  
  
NEXT TIME ON DRAGON AGE: Odette and her crew head to "Mother," by Danzig's lair and maybe have a final showdown!  And what is the fate of Andy and Occam and that other idiot guy with a crappy name?  Will Odette ever see her beloved Leliana again?  Tune in next time to find out!!


	10. Dragon Age - S02E10 - The Man Without a Face vs. Octotitty

The stream of darkspawns lead Odette and her posse right to some sort of lair.  This lair belong to the song "Mother," by former Misfit, Glen Danzig, according to the talking not-orc that had fought so valiantly alongside Odette at what had come to be known as The Battle of Amaretto.  For his valor and truthiness Odette had allowed that particular talking not-orc to go free, though some in her party were somewhat disappointed by her decision, though what could they even do really?  She was, after all, their boss.  
  
Anyway the lair in question was some kind of bone zone.  There were bones all over the place, like that scene in the Lion King where Whoopi Goldberg, but a hyena, tried to eat the kid from the Tim Toolman Taylor Show.  Doug the Dog would have loved it!  But alas, Doug was elsewhere on important dog business.  The bone zone was not just filled with bones though.  There were also not-orcs, not-goblins, ogres, and very hungry caterpillars.  Odette and company slew the shit out of them all and pressed further into the lair.  
  
Suddenly, and completely without warning they were ambushed by a dragon!  This dragon was high as fuck and didn't know what he was doing.  The dragon barfed fire all over the fucking place, totally killing Sigrun's bear and knocking Nate the fuck out.  Odette had to avenge her buddy, Nate Dog, and jumped on the dragon's head and stabbed the shit out of his brain.  Dragon brains went all over the place and the dragon was totally dead.  It was awesome.  
  
"Guys did you see how I fucked that dragon up?" Odette asked, super proud of herself.  
  
There was a chorus of, "Yeah that was pretty rad boss!" from her crew and they pressed on into some kind of Lair Level 2.  Cleavage von Elf's sister showed up and tried to get her sister and Odette to understand the interracial threesome she was involved in.  
  
"Look sis, he's not like other darkspawns...the Man Without a Face is actually a really sweet guy."  
  
Odette, having had some experience with interracial relationships, told Cleavage's sister, "Why not come with us then and help spread the good word about the awesomeness of humping other races?" but Cleavage's sister was all like, "I have to go now, my planet needs me," before disappearing into the aether.  Odette consoled Cleavage and then set off into Lair Level 2.   This part of the lair was ruins with some kind of plot about crystals.  Odette dutifully gathered crystals and activated some sort of ancient Davinter wizard shit weapons.  
  
At the bottom of the level (which consisted of a bunch of stairs), the Man Without a Face showed up and was like, "Yo dudes, I'm called the architect."  
  
Odette was like, "Ohhhhh...that's you?  I thought that not-orc was talking about Mike Brady or I.M. Pei or something.  He should have just said that he was with that darkspawn with shitty late 90s nu metal facial piercings."  
  
"..." said the Architect like a character in a Japanese role playing game, "Anyway I need your help to kill the Mother.  I did plot to free darkspawn from wanting to make a Blight happen but she went crazy and turned into a mega-bitch.  We gotta stop her."  
  
"Wait you can stop Blights from happening?" Odette asked, "That seems like a pretty good deal.  What's the catch?"  
  
"Um...we have to drink Grey Warden blood..." said the Architect.  
  
"That's fair I guess," Odette replied, "I mean after all, we drink your blood to turn into Grey Wardens."  
  
Sigrun got unnecessarily angry and shouted, "You're not really listening to this fucking bullshit are you Odette?!  I thought we were cool!  I thought we were buds!"  
  
"Dude, we're cool, it's just my job is to end the Blight and if this Staind fan wants to do the same thing who am I to turn him down," Odette replied to Sigrun and then to the Man Without a Face was like, "Okay guy, you've got yourself a deal, I'll totally help you wreck house on Mother."  
  
"Uh...about that.  She has some kind of powers I'm not going to explain so I can't actually battle her.  You'll have to do it yourself," the guy with bad piercings said.  
  
Odette sighed.  She probably should have listened to Sigrun and just killed the guy with horrible piercings and worse taste in music and been done with it, but she held her tongue and headed into the Mother's lair Level Three.  It soon became abundantly clear who the Mother was.  She was none other than that octo-titty demon that had happened in some cut scenes all season long.  The Mother was all raspy and had clearly smoked a carton of Virginia Slims before the party had busted into her lair.  
  
She was all like, "Oh...I know what you're here to do.  You've killed all kinds of darkspawns..."  
  
The Architect suddenly appeared from the aether and the Octo-titty Demon scratchily moaned, "Oh the Father is here?"  
  
But the Architect was furious!  "I AM NOT THE FATHER!" he shouted.  
  
  
_The Architect_  
  
The Octo-Titty Demon then dropped some truth bombs on Odette and her posse.  "Yo, did your new buddy the 'Architect' tell you that it was he who caused the last Blight?"  
  
"Yo 'Tect is that true?!" Odette shouted in disbelief.  
  
The Architect sobbed, "Oh it's true...I thought if I did some plot on the archdemon I could end our relentless cycle of Blight after Blight once and for all, but things didn't go exactly as planned."  
  
"You can say that again," Odette replied, "I totally had to fight an archdemon on a rooftop all by my lonesome after Winnie Cooper got knocked the fuck out.  Just me an a BIG ASS SWORD™ against the roughest boss monster I've ever encountered.  And even with all my good looks, martial prowess, and knowledge of the most perverse lesbian sex moves I still needed the King of Feldspar to hump a witch of the wilds in some sort of sex magick ritual to beat the fiend once and for all."  
  
"Oh, sorry about that then," said the Architect.  
  
"Nah it's cool brah...the past is the past.  Let's wreck house on this disgusting titty-demon!"  
  
Odette and her crew threw themselves whole-heartedly into battle against the most disgusting monster they had ever battled.  It was also hella tough.  Nate Dog?  KOed!  Black Bear?  Dead!  Cleavage von Elf?  Knocked out?  Sigrun?  Down and done.  It was a repeat of her experience with the archdemon on the roof in Denerim, only this time there was no ballista or army of nameless cannon fodder dwarves to help her.  It was just one charming gentlewoman, a BIG ASS SWORD™ and 98 healing potions...97...96...96 healing potions.  
  
Mighty swings of the BIG ASS SWORD™ cleaved apart the horrible very hungry caterpillars that assailed her as she wrecked house on the octo-titty demon.  Mightier chugs of potion kept her health at a respectable level when the octo-titty demon farted a terrible diarrhea fart that sapped Odette of her will to live.  The very hungry caterpillars knocked Odette off her feet and were chowing down on her face, but Odette thought of her dear Leliana and found the resolve to stand up and step on the caterpillars, turning them into a fine paste.  
  
"DEMON!!!  YOU'RE FINISHED!!!" Odette shouted and took out her plot knife and stabbed the demon in the face.  The day was won!  
  


_During the end credits there's a rundown of what went down with the companions after the final battle._  
  
First the heroes of Amaretto...  
  
Nate survived and did hero moves on Odette's bro thus restoring honor (and land holdings) to the Howe family.  
  
Cleavage Von Elf chilled with Odette for awhile but one day just went off to find her sister in the Deep Roads.  
  
Sigrun stopped talking to everyone and one day just disappeared from Fort Awesome.  
  
As for Fort Awesome?  There was a Chanukah miracle and the fort which only had enough lamp oil for a single night withstood a darkspawn siege for days and days.  
  
Andy was the hero of the day, wizarding the shit outta everything and becoming a Grey Warden of some renowned even speaking at the Tower of Wizard Shit.  
  
Occam also did hero moves fighting the shit out of two ogres though he got knocked out during this fight. He became a famous warden though his family life was ruined.  
  
Justice! got his head cut off by a not-orc, but he was a spirit or something so no one really knows what happened to him.  
  
As for Odette? She quit being the Commander of Grey Wardens and rode off into the sunset with a certain red haired bard of Orleans.  
  
So the only person who didn't make it out alive was Justice! but who cares about that guy?


End file.
